camsex

The Great Australian spoof-off

Women, United, We’ll Never Be Defeated!

Ladies, we need to team up… we need to join forces and conquer the greatest gender injustice of our generation.

It is a travesty.

I’m not talking about (the lack of) women on boards.

I’m not even thinking about quotas.

Or equal pay (which by the way is on track to deliver equality to men and women in around 300 years).

That, my friends, is SMALL FRY.

We need to campaign, protest, and … stop having sex until our male partners until they agree to suffer just a little bit on our behalf.

Why?

Because it is b*llsh*t that we have to do all the sucky things that make us reproductive machines.

Cramps, monthly cycles, hormones, growing a baby, becoming milk manufacturers, taking the pill, menopause…

What do men do?

Big, sweet donut.

It’s time this was remedied.

A few weeks ago I was down in the dumps, having had to endure another trip to see a specialist and have them take another litre of blood and have a poke around my ovaries.

My husband bought me chocolates and flowers and asked me, sincerely, whether there was anything he could do to make me feel better.

I thought about it… and convoluted a plan that would see him suffer – just a little bit.

And so I asked him whether he could please spoof in a cup. Preferably in a room full of strangers.

Because? EQUALITY.

It’s  time to get even, ladies.

Why does all the crap stuff have to happen to us while our male counterparts get off scott-free?

It’s only FAIR.

Next time you have a pap-smear, get your lover to have his balls squeezed by a set of cold pliers.

Breast check? Call for a prostate examination.

Give birth? Make him endure a cow treading on his scrotum. Repeatedly.

WHO’S WITH ME?

Living a life on hold

You know what makes a blog great?

Consistency – something this one is seriously lacking.

As are other areas of my life – like entertaining friends, planning holidays and… having a lot of fun. Living in the moment. Being naughty and silly and laughing hysterically.

Because I’ve just emerged from a pretty horrific eight months with the realisation I have been living a life on hold.

On hold while trying to control something completely outside my control: a(nother) baby.

I’ve just come out of yet another week of highs and lows – of being pregnant and then having a scan that shows the signs that something is seriously wrong. Of losing a baby that never really was. For the third time this year.

But as I was lying in a medical bed in the midst of yet another internal ultrasound (which for the uninitiated involves a stranger sticking a cold condom-rimmed appendage up you who ha) I had the over-riding thought  there was a major upside to this entire situation.

Because: wine.

I am so unbelievably over living the life I had planned in my head.

I’m back – I’m just going to live the life I have. Live in the now.

Life’s too short to worry about things outside your control. It just happens – and you have to make the most of it.

You can’t live a life on hold.

 

 

Miss Courage

These things happen for a reason.

It’s a good thing it happened early in the pregnancy.

Obviously something wasn’t right and it’s natures way of taking care of itself.

Some things just aren’t meant to be.

Don’t worry, you’ll have another baby in no time.

The minute you hold your next baby in your arms you won’t even remember this.

All these things have been said to me in the past six months as I suffered a number of miscarriages – and these well-meaning phrases are inherently correct – but they don’t even come close to  helping to take away the pain that is felt when you suffer the loss of your dreams before you even knew them.

I was meant to be having a baby in six short weeks – and as my first daughter blossoms into a beautiful toddler a small part of me is very happy I am not about to give birth as a larger gap will mean I can invest all my energy into my extremely energetic toddler. But the bigger part of me is still mourning the loss of a pregnancy at just ten weeks.

Some things I knew: I knew I was having another girl. I knew her name and  where she was going to sleep. I had started to sort our her clothes and had started dreaming of the beautiful smell of a newborn.  Even though the first weeks of pregnancy are so painfully precarious and fraught with danger, I thought that because I fall pregnant so easily and had carried a baby to full term before, that this was going to be another walk in the park.

It is the crushing of your dreams that is so hard to take. It’s hard NOT to get excited and start planning and dreaming even though the baby has such a long road left to travel. The changes to your body and the hormones are real things that you can’t just switch off. Even though I handled the loss publicly like a well-seasoned actress, behind the scenes I fell apart spectacularly. And when it happened a second time it took a lot of effort to pick up the pieces again.

This week’s media has been filled with stories about miscarriage – as Georgie Gardner has been brave enough to speak out and talk about her suffering. I think that women don’t talk about it as a whole for a few reasons – one is they probably don’t want their employer to know they are trying to fall pregnant as it would (definitely) be used against them, and the other because it is so painful and as a nation we don’t deal with grief very publicly.

But I’m feeling a bit courageous today, and feel like writing about my lost love and dreams. If you have suffered also please know you are not alone. That one in four statistic being bantered around means it happens to more people than you would care to imagine.

Toddler Tip: shape sorting can be ever so helpful

If the pic below defines your household, here’s a tip I’ll give you for free.

TupperWHERE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TRAIN YOUR KID.

Honestly – go straight to Kmart and buy then a shape sorter and then gradually progress from the red bucket with shapes cut out of its yellow lid to the tupperware drawer.

I’ll admit I am slightly domestically challenged, but look at my tupperware drawer. LOOK! And it’s hours of fun!

MY KID WAS TRAINED TO DO THIS AND SHE IS ONLY 19 MONTHS-OLD.

If you don’t have a kid – get one. Best invention ever.

Seriously - it's my tupperware drawer.

Seriously – it’s my tupperware drawer.

I see your bad day and raise you this…

I had a bad day this week.

A real baaaaad day.

It started with poo. A lot of it, and all over me. Our daughter can take off her nappy by herself, and so has taken to taking it off BEFORE she does a number two. THEN she insists on doing it on the floor, standing on it and walking it all over the house. She’ll come up to me and pull on me and yell and point to the poo, and nod while I clean it up.

So helpful.

This morning she took it to the next level and tried to clean it up herself. Great – except she USED MY TOWEL and then put it back on the towel rack. All by herself – so clever.

Naturally I got out of the shower and dried myself, all the time looking for the poo that was obviously in close range… and then looked in the mirror and found it. On. My. Back.

I then (re-showered) and went to work, and on the way to a meeting (around lunchtime) I discovered I had an enormous hole in the back of my dress. Just under my bum. You could see my thigh-skin poking through.

Yay.

I managed to get through most of the day of meetings with my back to the wall, but then had a meeting with my new (lovely and ever patient) boss to talk about a whole lot of acronyms like BIC and KPI for AMJ and PII and WTF and I was sitting at her desk and managed to knock over a vase holding an orchid and then spill it all over the powerboard which shorted out the entire office.

Joy.

And then it was 5:01 and I had to be home 30 minutes ago.

So I ran…

If I catch you even thinking about your bad day – read this again. AGAIN!

First impressions (shouldn’t) last

If you’re the kind if person who believes that first impressions last, we probably won’t be friends.
If you met me yesterday, at least, there’d be no chance in hell I’d be getting a Christmas card from you this year.
I was waiting all morning for a highly anticipated phone call from a much wanted (global, fun and exciting) client and the call finally came through while I was in the car.
In the car with our daughter – who was smiling and playing quietly with her bunny when I took a huge gamble and picked up the call on my hands free.
Things quickly flipped out of control because the second I pressed the green button, all hell broke lose in the perfectly tuned acoustic stadium of my car.
Our daughter started screaming. For absolutely no reason at all. In fact, she was smiling as she was screaming like a banshee. I turned around in my seat and made a shhhh sound, like we had been practising at home, and I left my finger for her to hold in the hope she might play with it for a few precious minutes and stay quiet.
Except that she didn’t hold my finger… She leant forward in her seat and BIT IT OFF.
It’s not as if she mistook my finger for a chipolata either. She went full Bear Grylls style and set her Piranha-like fangs onto my unsuspecting bony finger.
Naturally I reacted by screaming ‘(cl)uck’ which was the first thing I said to the Lovely HR lady on the other end of the phone.
I would have LOVED to start the conversation with “Hello, Sally here, How are you? But instead, the first impression the HR lady working for the global fun and exciting client heard from me was “*UCK”.
If this wasn’t bad enough, it was promptly followed by peals of hilarity from the back seat from my sadistic copycat kid who then shouted “cuk’ at the top of her lungs.
“cuk. cuk. cuk”
“CUUUUUUUK”
“cuk. cuk. cuk.”
And then I hung up. And drove really fast to the nearest kebab store. And ate a kebab.
So next time you see a mum with a kid in the street, or car, or playground, looking frazzled.
Don’t judge them.
Even when they look at you, smile and then yell “cuk” in your face.
Give them a second chance. They might just deserve it.
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Green smoothie = fail

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If you haven’t yet taken part in the green smoothie revolution that seems to have taken control of hipsters and fitsters alike, then read this post and thank me later.

After seeing various shades of green liquid in the hands of the young and cool, I thought I might take my tastebuds on a test-drive of this healthy green froth.

After a bit of research I discovered you create the said smoothie by blending a green vegetable – kale and spinach are popular – with fruit and extra good bits of goodness like goji berries and chia seeds and some weird thing called Maca powder that comes from the inner most part of South American volcanos and was used by ancient Inca tribes a remedy for all ailments, and bam –  you have a green smoothie concoction. No biggie.

And you drink it out of a JAR, like the cool kids, not a regular glass. Derr.

My neighbour made one for me based on a recipe from Pete Evans – it tasted delicious and I bit the bullet and decided to make one on my own.

Unequivocal disaster.

My first mistake was to use Kale – a vegetable I loathe. As chips, fried or in a smoothie, this vegetable tastes like arse. Just like its superfood sister quinoa. Just because it’s good for you doesn’t mean you should eat it.

Would you ever honestly sit down, salivating, and think – wow – look at that plate of fresh, raw, Kale. I can’t wait to eat that. Look! There’s an organic slug on that leaf that will be extra protein. Wait! How about a better idea, let’s juice the crap out of you sweet fresh kale and drink you! YUM! How exciting!

No. You haven’t. Because no-one would ever sit down and think that. Ever. And if you have you should probably go and get your mental health checked pronto.

I’m an advocate for healthy eating, but a green smoothie – forget it.

Give me a pie instead of a jar of freshly juiced vegetables any day.

 

 

Being fired and setting up a business makes you very busy and important…

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I haven’t forgotten you. I just haven’t been writing because I’ve been so busy and important.

Not in a… ‘I haven’t had time to see you because I’ve been so busy washing my hair’, kind of way… I just haven’t been able to write because I got fired and started my own business which is enough for me to be distracted from writing to y’all.

Here’s how it went down…

A week before Christmas I walked into work and promptly got fired.

Fired is probably a bit dramatic, so to use the proper terminology my role was made ‘redundant’.

I’ll take you on the journey.

I rocked into work with a skip in my step – not only had I just driven in the car listening to music other than Peter Coombs, I had just bought a coffee on my own. So far, it was the best day ever.

Except my computer wasn’t at my desk anymore. Neither were any familiar faces from my team.

I went looking for my computer and was told it had been moved, and my team had been made redundant.

Oh cluck.

Naturally I called the CEO who avoided questions about my personal job security and instead asked me out to lunch. Phew. I’m safe – I thought. He couldn’t possible fire me over pork belly.

But I knew something was up when he took me to a salad bar for lunch. Salad. Everyone knows if you boss takes you out for a salad you’re a gonner.

The strangest thing was he didn’t order a salad. He ordered a milkshake. It was so weird. So awkward. A strawberry milkshake. His words started wafting over me ‘we can’t afford to pay you anymore’, ‘company restructure’, ‘part-time employees are not a good cultural fit’ and all I could think is ‘HE’S FIRING ME OVER A CLUCKING MILKSHAKE! IF THIS IS MY LAST MEAL THAN I DON’T WANT IT TO BE SALAD. WHERE IS MY PORK BELLY?’

And with that, I was made redundant.

Except it wasn’t as depressing as that word sounds because it made me take stock and think about what I really wanted to do.

And I thought and thought and thought about it and decided that if I started my own business I could keep the nanny and walk the dog and do yoga under the guise of being busy and important. I could hand out business cards willy nilly but instead have a yoga-esque body like Miranda Kerr. Perfect!

Except that my husband was onto me. Such a kill-joy. He made me set up an actual business, like with ASIC and the ATO, so now I have an accountant and I almost have a website and I have been working like a dog, rather than walking the dog, on three clients who are all incredibly interesting. And I am so busy and important I don’t even have time for yoga. Or to clean the house.

So that’s where I’ve been. And seeing I am now back in the business of marketing and PR and content creation hopefully I’ll keep you updated a little more frequently.

Oh, and if you have any work…

The cult of Thermomix

Mothers can talk about a clucking lot of boring shit, and right up there is the dreaded Thermomix.

I’m not denying the magical powers of this seemingly dream appliance as it sautes and mills and mixes and pounds and cooks and ices to make delicious, healthy food in less than one minute flat…

But I  hate the dreaded way it is forced on unsuspecting mothers presumed to be in the target market (Target market = have vagina + kid).  And the sales pitch and brain washing that ensues.

If a neighbour asks you over for a drink in the evening sans kids – BE AFRAID.

If a mother you know suggests a drink ‘with a couple of their friends’ – RUN.

You’re about to be Thermomixed.

To spare you some time, this, my friends, is what you’ll experience.

When you arrive expect a smiling Stepford-esque lady in a green shirt dolling out a mango sorbet palette cleanser before creating a to-clucking-die-for raw beetroot and mint salad in less than 4 seconds, followed by home-made tomato sauce and then pizza – YES, PIZZA. And then risotto and bliss balls and home-made clucking ice-cream. Did I mention the margaritas?

The only catch? It costs $2000.00

This shit is real. And it’s coming to a street near you.

I’ve never known an Avon lady but I can imagine they won their friends and friends-of-friends over by selling something to make their friends feel better about themselves.

The Thermomix lady takes this to the next level.

This demi-god combines the three dearest things to a tired mother – food and alcohol with time away from your kids, and then sells you the Thermomix using a lexicon that isn’t about making you feel better about yourself, but by showing you that welcoming a Thermomix into your bankbalance life will help make you be a better mother. A mother who’ll not only help her kids by plying them with healthier food, but one who will also increase quality mothering time as she’ll spend less time in the kitchen.

DANG. These bitches are good.

Of course the after-effects of the ‘Friday night drinks with a few girlfriends‘ Thermomix demonstration lasts longer than the taste of the delicious food leaving your tastebuds, or the icy margaritas.

The BRAIN CREEP that comes after an unsuspected visit can last months.

When doing something simple like spreading peanut butter on a sandwich you start thinking. With a Thermomix I could make my own butter in four minutes and my own peanut better with no additives in less than 40 seconds. I NEED ONE! or when watering the garden you look at the parsley growing wild and say to yourself If I had a Thermomix I could use that parsley to make parsley oil in 8 minutes. Or Pesto. I CLUCKING LOVE PESTO. It goes on and on.

Well played, Thermomix lady, well played.

To date, I’ve remained Thermomix-free, but I that’s only because I am ALERT AND ALARMED.

The power of this cult is strong.

And I really enjoy a Margarita.

Consider yourself warned.

 

 

A is for anxiety

Post natal depression affects one in five Australian mothers, and I’m included in that statistic.

Think of five babies you know… one of their mother’s was/is/might also be suffering. It’s a big deal but one that isn’t often talked about openly by anyone other than medical professionals.

For me, it didn’t manifest as depression, but I was wracked with such intense anxiety I often struggled to breathe. I didn’t sleep longer than four hours at a stretch in ten months, and many of my thoughts were completely irrational. A level of this is normal with all new mothers, but my anxiety quickly became out of control.

I felt nothing but intense love towards my daughter, but I mourned my past life – the ability to take the dog for a bushwalk unencumbered, to spontaneously meet a friend at the pub, or to take a yoga class in my lunch-break.  I felt so selfish for even thinking those thoughts. I also struggled with working out what my new role was – the intense feeling I had to mother this child was overwhelming and consumed me – I became obsessed with things outside my control – like whether she would sleep or not, and for how long. I’d check her 100 times a night to make sure she was still breathing, I bought raw organic ingredients I sourced from farmers to puree everything from scratch, I was militant about breastfeeding… and I had to remind myself to smile. I even wrote a reminder to myself on my hand one day.

The worst thing about it was that when I was in the midst of it, I had NO IDEA what was going on. I was just surviving, thinking this was part of being a martyr mother. Looking back on it I shudder as I now realise what it’s like to be crippled with anxiety that rocks you to your core. It creeps up on you and then controls every muscle, every thought, every moment.

You lose weight. You can’t sleep. You can’t eat. You forget how to laugh. You struggle to be a good friend, wife, even mother.

I survived – it helps when you come from a family of crazies as it often takes a crazy to know a crazy.

I also had a champion husband and a wonderful counsellor from Tresillian who visited my house every week and was able to coach me through a new way of thinking. I had to learn how to sleep again. Now, every time I think I’m being selfish – by doing something away from my child like getting my haircut – I need to think of it as survival. I now have the ability to STOP anxious and irrational thoughts, and feel this experience has made me stronger than ever. Now I understand the warning signs, I won’t let this consumer me again.

And I can pass on my five main failings that are essential for a new mother’s survival guide:

  1. A mother needs to be mothered,
  2. You need to make time to spend doing something you love by yourself,
  3. You need to sleep,
  4. It takes a village to raise a child, if people offer to help – let them,
  5. No mother is perfect and you can’t have it all.

Having a baby makes you see the world through fresh eyes.

You start noticing cars, hearing sirens, watching planes and playing with leaves – because all these things fascinate your baby.

It’s also made me think about how I will talk about some of life’s tougher lessons as she grows. Eating disorders, bullying, drugs, and mental illness.

Anxiety and depression are words I want my daughter to grow up with – there have been two suicides in my family in the past three years, and I don’t want them swept under the carpet. The black dog is barking at our heels and only with courage and determination can we keep that bitch at bay. We have to talk about mental illness to protect our children.

A is for anxiety. I’m going to start the dialogue early.