Before I had a baby I hated staying at home. Mainly because wherever I live becomes such a mess within 0.5 seconds of me entering a room. While it hit my mum and sister the neat gene bypassed me completely. I’m challenged at domestic duties. Cooking, cleaning, washing ironing, do not come naturally. I am a retarded housewife. But I am determined to rectify my past ways and get my handle on it, because if I master the art of domestic duties I will probably save my marriage, not kill my daughter in the cesspool that is our kitchen, and have more time to spend on FUN things, (like singing clucking nursery rhymes).
As Matt Cutt said in his presentation:
I did some quantitive research (Facebook) into the art of being a domestic goddess and found that generally my peeps found it easy when they had a nanny, cleaner, cook and a guy to do the lawns. First world problems. Another friend commented that domestic goddesses were a thing of the past: “Domestic goddesses only existed in the 50′s when everyone was allowed to have cocktails as soon as it was after 10am and a handful of Valium in the evening”. That sounds like my kind of goddess.
Here it is: 30 days of domestic clucking bliss.
DAY ONE: Decided the only way this was going to work was for me to outsource. Hired a cleaner.
DAY TWO: Attempted to finish all my unfinished projects lying around the house. Started by making my bed the second I got out of it. Decided this was a good habit to get into. Also finished the bird mobile I started when I was pregnant. Haven’t hung it up yet though.
DAY THREE: Dusted off last Christmas’ present from my mother, Speed Cleaning.
DAY FOUR: Burnt Speed Cleaning because it suggests you should clean every day. Every. Single. Day. BOR-ING. It did suggest that you have a bucket full of cleaning products to move around the house with you, so I went out and bought a bright yellow bucket. Love my yellow bucket.
DAY FIVE: Went to Kikki-K and bought a shitload of stationary to help me get in the mood to get organised and start writing lists. Wrote a list of everything I had already achieved that day (made bed, have shower, changes baby’s nappy) and crossed them all out. Felt I had accomplished something. Smiled.
DAY SIX: Hubby taught me of a concept called CLEAN AS YOU GO. Means you don’t go anywhere in a hurry, but the house is nicer for it, particularly the kitchen.
DAY SEVEN: Discovered the art of organisation requires TIME and PLANNING. And the planning creates more time. It’s an endless clucking cycle. Designated a shopping and cooking day each week, which is optimistic but meant I could write more lists in my new notebook. Also got reaquainted with the slow cooker. Cooked in bulk and now have a freezer full of delicious puree and ready meals. Find I have more time when I get it all over in one, highly organised hit. Loving life.
DAY EIGHT: Hopped on the scales and realise I have lost 2 kilos. Cleaning makes you thin. If people had told me that when I was 14 I would have started this caper a whole lot sooner. Start to clean all the time. Even start to like it.
DAY NINE: Read Delicious magazine and BAKED A CAKE BEFORE 9AM. This is no mean feat as it’s the third cake I have ever baked in my life and this time I didn’t forget to add sugar. Went to a playdate with food and a cake. Realised I had become one of the mothers I used to loathe.
DAY TEN: Automatically made my bed, had a shower and stepped on the floor mat that I’d washed and replaced, brushed my hair with the brush that was back in its spot, went and got Soph breakfast from the purees that were labelled and marked in the fridge. HOLY CLUCKING SHITBALLS THIS IS WORKING.
DAY ELEVEN: Sorted out the wine in the hallway. Started drinking the most expensive wine every evening hubby said he would be home on time and was late.
DAY TWELVE: Started researching childcare places online with avengence. This whole domestic bliss has really got me wanting to get back to work and away from the house ASAP.
DAY THIRTEEN: Started hating Matt Cutts and his 30 day challenges. Gay.
DAY FOURTEEN: Decided to sleep instead of clean.
DAY FIFTEEN: Woke up and for the first time in my life I saw the mess around me. Picked up dirty clothes without even having to consciously remind myself. Saw leaves outside and decided to RAKE THE LAWN but couldn’t find the rake. Do we own a rake? Went to Bunnings and bought a rake and husband came home and told me the rake lived in the garden shed. WE HAVE A GARDEN SHED. He also showed me where the vacuum cleaner lives. SIGH.
DAY SIXTEEN: Vacuumed.
DAY SEVENTEEN: Vacuumed and raked and mopped and dusted and then remembered I had a daughter and she had to be fed. Fell asleep while feeding her.
DAY EIGHTEEN: Asked cleaner if she could move in with me permanently. She declined. Said I’d be too messy.
DAY NINETEEN: Set myself a reward-based cleaning propositions – no TV unless the house is clean. I AM TURNING INTO MY MOTHER.
DAY TWENTY: Visited my neighbour’s house – three boys share one room, and it is the neatest, most highly functional house I have even been in. Asked the dad how he does it and witnessed each boy playing with toys and then when they are finished putting the toys back in their place without a fuss, they were trained from birth. The rule in their house is that if things don’t go back in their place they are thrown out. Wow – what a concept. Maybe I could create a little baby super cleaner so I don’t ever have to clean again. Told baby that if she didn’t put her toys back they would be thrown out. She laughed and waved at me as if she understood.
DAY TWENTY-TWO: Baby didn’t understand. Had to throw out all her toys. At least the house looks less cluttered now.
DAY TWENTY-THREE: Thought I was going well with this cleaning gig and then came home to post-it notes around the house after my husband had cleaned the kitchen… decided it wasn’t going as well as I’d thought. Googled “how to get a quick divorce”. After reading decided finishing my 30 day challenge was easier.
DAY TWENTY-FOUR: Found it easier to clean when giving myself a daily room challenge – 5 minutes to clean each room, luckily we only have four rooms in our house. Never going to buy a bigger house. Also inviting people over and having a clean house was rewarding. Make sure people come over every day to avoid hovel tendencies creeping back in.
DAY TWENTY-FIVE. Longest. Month. Ever.
DAY TWENTY-SIX. Decided the 60s housewives had the right idea. Bought some Valium. Needed it after the clean month I have had.
DAY TWENTY-SEVEN: Finished the month early – I TRIED OK, settle down, but it was hard. I think that on the whole I am a cleaner person (please don’t ask my husband), and by going through the motions I at least now have a new respect for neat households, and LOVE it when my home is neat (for those few minutes after the cleaner has left).
Conclusion is that domesticity is great for losing weight, but not compatible with me as a full-time job. I quit. zzzzzzz.