Miss Courage

These things happen for a reason.

It’s a good thing it happened early in the pregnancy.

Obviously something wasn’t right and it’s natures way of taking care of itself.

Some things just aren’t meant to be.

Don’t worry, you’ll have another baby in no time.

The minute you hold your next baby in your arms you won’t even remember this.

All these things have been said to me in the past six months as I suffered a number of miscarriages – and these well-meaning phrases are inherently correct – but they don’t even come close to  helping to take away the pain that is felt when you suffer the loss of your dreams before you even knew them.

I was meant to be having a baby in six short weeks – and as my first daughter blossoms into a beautiful toddler a small part of me is very happy I am not about to give birth as a larger gap will mean I can invest all my energy into my extremely energetic toddler. But the bigger part of me is still mourning the loss of a pregnancy at just ten weeks.

Some things I knew: I knew I was having another girl. I knew her name and  where she was going to sleep. I had started to sort our her clothes and had started dreaming of the beautiful smell of a newborn.  Even though the first weeks of pregnancy are so painfully precarious and fraught with danger, I thought that because I fall pregnant so easily and had carried a baby to full term before, that this was going to be another walk in the park.

It is the crushing of your dreams that is so hard to take. It’s hard NOT to get excited and start planning and dreaming even though the baby has such a long road left to travel. The changes to your body and the hormones are real things that you can’t just switch off. Even though I handled the loss publicly like a well-seasoned actress, behind the scenes I fell apart spectacularly. And when it happened a second time it took a lot of effort to pick up the pieces again.

This week’s media has been filled with stories about miscarriage – as Georgie Gardner has been brave enough to speak out and talk about her suffering. I think that women don’t talk about it as a whole for a few reasons – one is they probably don’t want their employer to know they are trying to fall pregnant as it would (definitely) be used against them, and the other because it is so painful and as a nation we don’t deal with grief very publicly.

But I’m feeling a bit courageous today, and feel like writing about my lost love and dreams. If you have suffered also please know you are not alone. That one in four statistic being bantered around means it happens to more people than you would care to imagine.

  • G

    Oh Sal thank you for being so courageous today and sharing your inner world. I am so sad. I know that there will be a time when this experience will be less painful, but it’s not now and it doesn’t need to be. I wish your acting hadn’t been so good. xxx

  • Sarah F

    You’re my hero sal :-) I wouldn’t ever want to forget my lost one, even though it was a long time ago now xx much love and many hugs

  • Em

    Thanks for sharing Sal, Sending you Many many hugs!

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